Breakup Bootcamp Read online

Next, identify a word that is needed to heal the anger (“forgiveness,” “acceptance,” “compassion,” etc.) and assign that word a color (blue works well for most people).

  Imagine that color pouring into your body through your abdomen and let it flood your entire body and the area around your body. Watch it change the color of your anger and flush it out completely until you are bathed in the second color.

  Take a few deep breaths here and repeat the exercise three times.

  Plank a Pose!

  In the second exercise, Dr. Matluck emphasizes the importance of moving the energy of the emotion through the body. Energy is meant to flow, and when it doesn’t, it can cause dysfunction in the body.

  She suggests that there is a strong relationship between healing anger and confronting limiting beliefs: “Fire is the element associated with this chakra, and by creating heat in the body while confronting limitations set by the mind, we can use the energy of fire to transform anger that is stored in the body.”

  To demonstrate this, she leads the women through an exercise where they set a timer and do a plank pose for as long as they believe they can. When they can no longer hold it, they look at the timer to note where their perceived limit is. Next, the women are advised to add thirty seconds to their previous time and repeat the plank pose. You can hear grunts in the room as they reluctantly try again.

  “Watch the urge to give up and allow the heat you’re creating melt your anger away,” Dr. Matluck encourages as she walks among the women, burning sage as a way to cleanse the space.

  As she notices some women struggling to hold their plank position, she advises them to bring their focus back to the breath, breathing slowly and deeply, and to continue pushing past their limit. When the entire room is done with the second plank, almost every single woman was able to hold her plank longer than her first time—a small but meaningful feat in pushing past a perceived limit.

  * * *

  EXERCISE 2: Ready to Plank?

  Create a plank position with your body. You have the option of supporting your upper body with your hands or your forearms.

  Set a timer and do the pose for as long as you can.

  When you’re done with your first plank, note the amount of time you were able to hold your position—this is what you believe your limit is.

  Rest for a few minutes.

  Set your timer, adding thirty seconds to your previous time, and repeat the pose. Don’t forget to breathe deeply.

  Imagine your anger melting away. If it helps, use the visualization from the first exercise, imagining your anger in a red color and it melting or fading away.

  Try to keep going, even after the time is up!

  * * *

  EXERCISE 3: Ready, Set, Write!

  The last exercise is to reflect through journaling. By writing about how we feel and where we feel it, we start to make sense of what is happening. This is a great time to try “flow state” writing. Set a timer for fifteen minutes and make sure you turn off your phone or other distractions so that you are uninterrupted. Put an inspiring song on repeat to help you reach a state of flow. At Renew, we play Cello Suite no. 1 in G Major, by Johann Sebastian Bach, for this writing exercise. Give yourself a writing prompt and go! Here are some examples:

  What are my deepest areas of grief and frustration?

  What is my body trying to tell me?

  What can I learn?

  Try not to filter or judge your thoughts; just keep the pen going. By doing a flow state exercise like this, parts of your subconscious start to come out—it’s like emptying what’s been stored and stuck in the mind. The act of writing is therapeutic in itself and can decrease physiological reactivity.

  WHEN YOU’RE WIGGIN’ THE F* OUT (AKA FEELING ANXIETY)

  You couldn’t help but peek at his Instagram (okay, maybe that’s an understatement) and went down a rabbit hole of stalking all of his most recent likes. Ugh, what’s that Instagram model got that you don’t?

  Whatever the trigger is, the angst starts to build, and suddenly you’re feeling as if your world is collapsing. The panic is real.

  Physically experiencing a sense of anxiety is a natural by-product of breakups, according to neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp, who suggests that rejection and separation from a loved one plunges us into “primal panic.”18 We are wired to connect as a species. Even though a separation is not physically dangerous, the amygdala is processing the loss of connection as a threat to survival. On top of that, the brain is in a neurochemical withdrawal, which results in a heightened state of anxiety and obsession that can permeate your emotional state for hours, even days.19 Here are tools to help you prevent the downward spiral from happening.

  Shake, Shake, Shake

  When we face extreme emotion, our body is flooded with adrenaline and our heart rate skyrockets.20 That’s because our body’s sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for our ability to respond to perceived danger, gets activated.

  This occurs in both animals and humans. Let’s take the gazelle, for example. When a gazelle is confronted with a predator, its survival instincts take over and it will go into flight, fight, or freeze mode.21 Once the threat is gone, it will shake its entire body as if having a convulsion. Its nervous system is physically discharging the excess energy and arousal caused by the threat. Equilibrium returns shortly thereafter.22

  For an anxious person, a trigger that threatens her safety causes the same cascade of survival mechanisms. Next time you feel anxiety, instead of absorbing the energy, try shaking your entire body for a couple of minutes to get rid of the excess stress chemicals and restore your inner balance.

  Move Your Body

  If shaking isn’t your preferred method of releasing excess energy, you can opt for a jog or some other physical activity that changes your biology. But if taking twenty minutes to go for a run isn’t possible, do jumping jacks followed by a meditation. The key is to knock yourself out of the panicked and high-stress physical state first. By following up the activity with a calming meditation to center you, you can actually interrupt the anxiety spiral in its tracks.

  During a session at Breakup Bootcamp, a participant, Lydia, who was still very much in love with the ex-boyfriend who had cheated on her, had a moment when she got to practice this. She was in the middle of a session where the topic of infidelity was being discussed, and suddenly she felt a pang of anxiety. She excused herself and walked out, and I followed her outside. She started weeping, trying to catch her breath in between sobs as she screamed how unfair her situation was. She was scared about what would happen upon returning home, and her panic started to escalate. I could tell she was about to start hyperventilating, so I had her try this practice on the spot. With my guidance, we both started to move our bodies, shaking, jumping, and flicking our hands, arms, and legs. Then we did a deep-breathing exercise together, ensuring the exhales were longer than the inhales (this has a calming effect). Lydia was able to regain an emotional equilibrium, and we had a calm conversation about what sparked the angst. At first, Lydia was embarrassed that she had to leave the session, but she was grateful that the moment happened so that she could experience how to calm herself down in real time, a tool she still uses today.

  Breathe It Out, Literally

  The one thing we can always count on—the miracle within every one of us—is our breath. It has two functions: (1) to nourish the body with oxygen, and (2) to cleanse the body of toxic waste.

  The breath is connected to our mind and our emotions. Breathing fast and shallow creates panic, whereas breathing slowly and deeply creates calm. Take control of your breath, and you’ll minimize stress, think more clearly, and naturally self-soothe.

  Are you breathing through your nose or mouth? You want to start breathing in and out through your nose, as this helps filter the air, protecting the body from pollution and dust. Nose breathing also moistens the air coming in, which helps protect respiratory passageways.

  Are you expanding your belly
when you inhale? When you inhale, your belly should expand like it’s a balloon filling up, which enables you to use the full capacity of your lungs. When you breathe out, the belly should deflate. If your belly isn’t expanding and contracting, then you’re breathing shallowly, which doesn’t properly oxygenate your organs and can contribute to feelings of anxiety or panic.

  Is your breathing fast or slow? Breathe slowly and rhythmically to expel metabolic waste products. If your exhalations are shorter than your inhalations, you’re prohibiting the body’s ability to rid itself of toxins.

  Are your shoulders hunched or open? Keep your shoulders back and spine straight. If your shoulders are hunched, your chest is concave, restricting your ability to breathe deeply.

  * * *

  EXERCISE: 4-7-8 Breathing Technique

  The 4-7-8 breathing sequence is based on an ancient yoga technique and was developed by Dr. Andrew Weil. It will help calm down stress and anxiety immediately.23

  Place the tip of your tongue on the roof of your mouth (right behind your front teeth).

  Breathe in through your nose for a count of four seconds.

  Hold your breath for seven seconds.

  Release your breath through your mouth with a whooshing sound for a count of eight seconds.

  Without a break, repeat the entire technique four times in a row, then resume normal breathing and activity.

  The 4-7-8 breathing technique is effective, because when you are feeling anxiety, your breathing tends to become very shallow and you don’t get all the oxygen you need. This technique helps you increase oxygen intake, allows the oxygen to energize your cells, and expels carbon dioxide from your lungs.

  QUICK TIP: If you can’t remember the count, that’s okay. Just remember to make your exhale longer than your inhale, as this calms your parasympathetic nervous system. Unlike the sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for fight or flight, the parasympathetic nervous system, often referred to as “rest and digest,” is responsible for relaxing the body.

  ’BOUT THAT DOPAMINE (AKA I NEED A PICK-ME-UP)

  After my breakup, sides of me came out that I never knew existed.

  I would stalk the social media of the woman my ex had cheated with, obsessing for hours and imagining the scene of the infidelity. I would reach out to my ex and berate him (until he eventually blocked me). I would talk nonstop about the details of the betrayal to anyone who’d listen. Oh, and the lavish revenge plans I devised could have made for an Oscar-winning horror movie.

  Let’s just say, I was not fun to be around during this time. No, I hadn’t gone crazy (well, maybe just a little). My brain was seeking a reward in the midst of the trauma it had endured.

  If I could have found some information that would solve the puzzle of my confusion, I thought I would find the relief I was seeking. Contacting my ex, even though each interaction was awful, was still providing me with a hit of dopamine.

  The brain is going to do what it needs to survive, and in the case of breakups, it will seek out dopamine to provide the same reward that it received during the relationship. We can’t choose whether our brain seeks out dopamine, but we can choose the source of where we get that dopamine from. If you’re experiencing withdrawal symptoms such as depression, anxiety, lethargy, loss of appetite, and insomnia, here are some ways to get that dopamine hit in a healthier way.

  Notice the triggering emotional need. When you get that urge to contact the ex or read old text messages, pause and take stock of what emotion is behind the urge. When you become aware of the driving emotion, you can distill the driving need behind the emotion. Are you feeling bored and need stimulation? Are you feeling lonely because you are craving human connection? Are you stressed and have a need for physical comfort?

  When you pinpoint the underlying need that’s not being met, you can figure out another way to satisfy that need. For example, if it’s connection you’re craving, then you can reach out to a friend and get your fix that way. If it’s stress you’re experiencing and you’re craving the hugs you used to get from your partner, try getting a Swedish massage.24 Research has shown that receiving a massage can lower the stress hormone cortisol, while increasing the mood-balancing chemical serotonin. Notice the urge when it arises and find creative ways to satisfy it that don’t involve your ex.

  Remove and replace. It’s time to digitally detox from your ex. Delete old messages and photos, unfollow his accounts, and, even better, take a break from social media altogether. Block his number if you have to, so you don’t obsess about him not contacting you. Your brain is primed for obsessive behavior during this time and your motivation system is in crave mode. Thus, every time you stalk his social media or text him, you are falling into a mental trap that keeps you addicted. To stop this self-sabotaging cycle, the first step is to recognize what is happening in your brain. The second is to recognize you have the choice to either let that urge control you or take control of it.

  Before you stroll down memory lane and binge on old videos and photos of your romantic dates, stop and ask, “Am I being kind to myself right now?” You know the answer. Replace the urge with another behavior that forces you to be present. This may mean you go for a jog, cook a meal with a friend, or write a letter of gratitude to someone you love. The first few times you divert your behavior it will feel contrived and extremely challenging, but the more you practice replacing the self-sabotaging urge with a healthy practice, the easier it becomes.

  Sure, there will be a time when you can see a reminder of your ex and not get triggered into an emotional spiral, but now is not the time to play with fire. During the early stages of separation, the attachment is still too strong and the emotional charge too high, and thus a complete detox of the ex is required. If you work together or coparent and cutting off communication isn’t possible, then the goal is to keep interactions to a minimum and without any positive or negative charge. That means when you get good news and feel tempted to share it with your ex, you call your friend instead. Or when you’re feeling angry, you stop yourself from picking a fight. You want to keep your interactions as neutral as possible so you’re not continuing to get a “hit” of dopamine from him. And yes, even when you’re picking a fight, you’re still getting a hit. The emotional charge keeps you attached.

  To truly cherish the things that are important to you, you must first discard those that have outlived their purpose.

  Marie Kondo

  Remove physical reminders. Addicts can relapse because of external triggers. The more you can decrease your exposure to tokens of your ex, the more you minimize your chances of relapse. Throw away the photos and get his things out of your sight. It also helps to change your living space. Move around your furniture, for example, to help minimize the association of your home with him. Minimize your clutter to metaphorically make space for the new to come in.

  Put. Down. The. Phone. It’s natural to crave contact with your ex (or scroll his feed) when you’re in the withdrawal stage of a breakup. To help manage this, remind yourself that the craving is like an ocean wave that will build up to its peak state and then eventually subside.25 Also, if your brain knows that the stimulus (in this case, a hit of dopamine from your ex) is impossible, the craving is minimized.26 Set up a system that will help you get through the initial intensity of the craving. You can use a product like the Kitchen Safe that locks up your device with a set timer so you can literally save yourself from yourself. You can also install the app Freedom to block the internet or specific apps for a set period of time. Willpower is a finite source—set yourself up for success by putting systems in place.

  Listen to music. No, not sad love songs that take you down memory lane. Choose upbeat, happy songs that can spark your inner Beyoncé. A study published in the New York Times found that when listening to “peak emotional moments” in music—that portion when you feel a “chill” of pleasure—dopamine is released both in anticipation and at crescendo.27

  Thinking about a last hurr
ah? Think again. Near the center of the brain lies the deep limbic system. This part of the brain sets the emotional tone, promotes bonding, stores highly charged emotional memories, and modulates motivation and libido. Whenever you have sex, neurochemical changes occur in your brain that encourage limbic emotional bonding. In other words, while you may think you are just having casual sex, you are establishing an emotional bond whether you like it or not. Women have a larger limbic system than men and will typically feel more connected by sex. So, if you’re trying to get over someone, literally do not get on top of or under him! Sex with the ex is prohibiting those bonds from breaking, keeping you more attached and addicted. Avoid that temptation at all costs.

  Reach out. Feeling sad and out of sorts can cause you to withdraw from others and isolate yourself. It’s crucial for you to override any tendency to disconnect. Instead reach out to someone who is stable and centered, because that person will have a calming effect on your nervous system. That’s right, our nervous systems have evolved to be affected by the people around us in a process termed “dyadic regulation.” Association with those who are grounded and centered activates our relational engagement system—a neural circuit that “uses the stability of another person’s nervous system to help us stabilize our own.”28 Reach out to a friend or a professional for support, not necessarily to get answers but to feel the stability you need.

  WHEN YOU NEED TO CHILL

  Keep your relationship rumination at bay by practicing meditation, which will help you create distance from your thoughts and emotions and keep them from taking over. Research shows that meditation alters brain wave patterns, even if you’re just starting the practice. One study revealed that those who practiced meditation for just eight weeks showed enhanced immune function and an increase in the part of the brain that creates “happy thoughts.”29