Breakup Bootcamp Page 2

  The overachiever: She kills it in her career and adopted a “do more, get more” mentality when she was young. This root belief comes from “I’m not enough,” often from childhood, when she learned she’d receive love or validation only if she earned it. The coping mechanism does wonders for getting high grades and promotions, but it doesn’t translate into healthy romantic relationships. These women are often the hardest on themselves. When it comes to their healing, they become frustrated with themselves that they can’t just do something to make the pain go away immediately. They harbor an extra layer of shame because they see their suffering as weakness that they can’t get rid of.

  The superhuman: With similarities to the overachiever, the superhuman is the woman who prides herself on doing it all. She demands perfection of herself and others. She is constantly fixing herself, learning all the latest techniques and methods in order to have the relationship she wants. Without realizing it, she approaches relationships the same way she approached getting a 4.0 in school. Sometimes this woman is so in her head that she’s disconnected from her body. Her focus on doing has stopped her from simply being. She finds it hard to stay still. Her judgment of others who do not meet her standards of perfection mirrors her self-judgment and lack of acceptance of self. Her root belief is “I’m unlovable,” and she’s adapted by being useful in order to be loved.

  The pleaser: She bends over backward for her relationship but, in the end, feels abandoned, unappreciated, and starved for more love and investment from her partner. Her root belief is “I’m not worthy of love.” She’s adapted by becoming a doormat. She prioritizes the needs of others before her own, because deep down inside, she doesn’t feel that she is worthy of having her needs met. She’s petrified that if she were to express her needs, she’d get rejected or abandoned.

  The anxious: When she gets into a relationship, she feels most comfortable if she can completely merge with her partner and puts her relationship at the center of her world. Her life, identity, and priorities revolve around the relationship. She has a hard time with boundaries. Her root belief is “I’m not safe/okay on my own.” Her partner becomes the foundation she stands on, the only person who can make her okay, and when the relationship is in turmoil or ends, she feels like the rug has been ripped out from beneath her.

  The closed heart: She’s been hurt so badly that she’s never fully recovered from the trauma. Even if on a cognitive level she’s over her ex, her subconscious still associates love with pain. Her belief is that she cannot trust and therefore it is not safe to open her heart. She either stops dating completely or dates people whom she knows she won’t fall for or ever truly have to be vulnerable with. She may even date people who live in a different city/country or chase a fantasy relationship, because, subconsciously, she knows these won’t ever amount to a real relationship. Her heart is locked behind a gate, and people need to prove themselves relentlessly to get her to open.

  The jaded: She’s been disappointed so many times that she defaults to skepticism and cynicism. Her beliefs are that there are no good men out there, she’s too [insert self-criticism here] to date, and dating sucks in her city (or whatever excuse she can rationalize) to explain why she’s still single. Her exterior is hard to compensate for the soft heart that was hurt, rejected, and betrayed in the past. She gives off an aggressive “don’t fuck with me” energy to show how confident and untouchable she is, but inside, she feels insecure and afraid.

  The addict: Unable to self-soothe, she uses validation from men as her vice. She has a belief that love is chaotic. She feels alive in the rush of lust and will create drama to keep a rush, any rush, going. She avoids true intimacy by reveling in fantasy and chasing highs, and operates in extremes.

  Regardless of which category these women fall into and no matter how powerful they may appear on the outside, each and every one of them struggles with feeling disempowered in her romantic relationships.

  Sitting in a circle, the participants reveal one by one what brought them here (all names and identifying details have been changed).

  “I know I deserve better,” says Leila, a gorgeous, newly divorced professional powerhouse who has conquered the corporate world but can’t seem to rid herself of toxic relationship patterns. “We keep breaking up and getting back together. I know I deserve better, but my self-esteem is so broken. I just can’t seem to let go.”

  She was twenty-nine when she met Mike, a charismatic venture capitalist who lived in New York. The beginning of their relationship was exhilarating. Mike courted her with grand romantic gestures and weekend getaways. As time went by, Leila planned her life around Mike, and without realizing, her personal validation had become entirely based on Mike’s attention. But it was never enough. She wanted more of everything: more time, more commitment, more connection. He started to grow distant. Leila would rearrange her schedule to accommodate his and give more and more, putting her needs second, hoping her devotion would make Mike love her.

  Instead, she got dumped.

  “I don’t feel in love anymore,” his text read.

  It didn’t take much searching on Instagram to find out he had met someone else.

  The women pour their hearts out with story after story, often apologizing for their tears. Even in the midst of their pain, many of them feel guilty, as if their emotions were a burden to the group.

  Jenny was in an on-again, off-again relationship with an addict. She knew logically the relationship was unhealthy but couldn’t resist getting back with him whenever he reappeared. This lasted for eight years.

  Cindy’s first husband physically abused her. Her next boyfriend was emotionally abusive and kept constant surveillance on her, accusing her of cheating when she was not. She kept hoping he would change, but he never did. It wasn’t until he threatened to kill her that she realized he was, in fact, as dangerous as her ex-husband, if not more so.

  Teresa wanted a husband and family so badly that she was willing to settle for anyone who seemed nice and stable. Because she’d get anxious dating people she liked, she settled for a boyfriend with whom she had zero chemistry, hoping attraction would grow. It never did.

  Karolina was fake dating. She gave the guy she liked the girlfriend experience without him ever committing to be her boyfriend. She would keep giving and giving in hope for a commitment. It never came.

  These relationships were all unhealthy, yet each of the women was devastated by her breakup. Why?

  Regardless of the situation, age, or background, all of them had one thing in common. In their heads they all embraced a linear relationship model that progressed like this: date, move in, get married, have kids, stay together forever. That plan indicated “success”—at least, success in the eyes of mainstream society. They would do whatever possible to keep that plan intact, even if that meant enduring abuse and sacrificing their own needs.

  After more exploration with each of the participants at Renew, it became apparent that the greatest source of the pain around their breakups was not the ex or even the relationship—it was the destruction of their sacred relationship plan.

  I was no different. Any guy I liked I would analyze to see if he could be a potential boyfriend/husband/father. In conquest mode, I was never fully present, because I was always anxious about the next step in the progression of my plan. I would “fall in love” quickly before I really knew someone (I’d later learn that is textbook infatuation, not love). I would fit the person into the plan I had in my mind, never cluing the guy in, of course. Half the time I didn’t even really like the actual guy; I just liked the idea of him. Fantasy can really mess with you.

  Whenever my “happily ever after” fell apart, I felt devastated. Was I “broken” because I lost my Prince Charming? No, it was because my identity revolved around the relationship and the plan I vehemently held on to.

  When we are tied to one plan, we don’t have the flexibility to adapt—and we can break. One of the first steps to healing from a breakup is to a
ccept that the plan you have for your life can and will change and that you have to be willing to adapt.

  To help Renew participants arrive at this notion, the women are in programming from 8:30 in the morning to 11:00 at night, bootcamp style. The intensive schedule is designed to push them past the edges of comfort to create the kind of emotional shake-up needed for new ideas to implant. After all, we’re dealing with decades of destructive patterns. Many of the women who come to Renew have, like me, tried everything. Renew Breakup Bootcamp is their last resort.

  Because true healing requires a fully holistic approach that encompasses the mind, body, and spirit, at Renew a psychologist deep dives into emotional regulation, shifting beliefs, self-compassion, and tools using cognitive behavioral therapy. An anxiety expert teaches tried-and-true practices designed to calm the nervous system, and a dating coach explains love addiction and how to break the cycle. A hypnotist and neurolinguistic programming master leads the women on a meditative journey to access their inner child. On a somatic level, a divorce mediator uses techniques derived from sacred and secular African movement to help the women process anger and anxiety through and out of the body. A holistic doctor takes them through a series of breath work exercises to help them release stored trauma and energetic blockages in the body. A sex educator teaches movement exercises to activate their sensual energy and reconnect to their bodies. The highlight of the weekend comes on Sunday, when a professional Dominatrix teaches the psychology of power dynamics. Private sessions with energy healers, life coaches, and intuitive mediums are also offered. The bootcamp experience is thoughtfully designed to guide attendees through the process of acceptance, letting go, forgiveness, and gratitude—all important elements of closure.

  While you may not be able to make it to a physical retreat, consider this book the Breakup Bootcamp bible. All the tried-and-true methods, best practices, and tools have been extracted to help you experience Breakup Bootcamp in the comfort of your own home.

  And a note to all readers: While this book is written as if speaking only to a female heteronormative audience, the information applies to anyone who’s ever suffered heartache and wants to rewire unhelpful patterns, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation.

  When one door closes another door opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.

  Alexander Graham Bell

  Before we even begin the process of moving forward, we need to properly grieve the past. In order to accomplish this, it is helpful to understand what stage of grief you are in.

  STAGES OF SEPARATION

  Mourning the loss of a relationship can feel much like grieving someone who has passed away.

  Grief has six stages, no matter what the source of that grief. Remember, the timeline for moving through grief is not always linear. There will be days you feel like you’re over the hurt and ready to embrace your new life, only to find yourself triggered and catatonic the next day. This may seem like a setback, but it’s a natural part of the process. Here are the six stages of grief, or more accurately in this context, separation.

  Shock: Shock occurs both on a physical and on a psychological level. Physically, a surge of adrenaline rushes through the body, which may result in you feeling jittery, dizzy, and outside your body.1 Psychologically, you may feel lost, panicky, overwhelmed, and inundated with intense emotions. This is your body’s natural protection against pain. Your body has not yet adjusted to a new reality without your partner. Once you start to process what has happened, you reach the next stage: denial.

  Denial: At its core, this is a rejection of reality. The sooner you accept reality—that it’s over—the sooner you start the process of healing.

  Depression: The first step of healing is depression. You feel sad, apathetic, and numb. Everything reminds you of your ex and the memories you shared. In this stage, your natural inclination may be to isolate yourself, but it’s important that you embrace support from loved ones at this time.

  Anger: Life seems unfair and unjust. You question why this is happening to you and may resent that your ex doesn’t appear to be in as much pain. Anger indicates energy is moving, which can motivate you to make proactive changes.

  Bargaining: Your brain doesn’t want to accept it’s over and starts to strategize ways to win back your ex or how to fix the relationship. During this stage you might ruminate on what you should have done differently or “better.” You might even make up excuses to see your ex. You may relapse during this stage, reconnecting with your ex only to separate again. It may take a few cycles of being on-again, off-again before you reach a tipping point and accept that the same behavior is going to keep yielding the same results. It’s important during this stage to not lose sight of the reality that your relationship ended for a reason and that both people were cocreators of its ending.

  Acceptance: This stage is when you embrace the reality of the situation and start to make choices to help yourself move on. Now you can minimize catastrophic statements such as “I’ll never love again” and “I will always be alone.” You see hope for your future and decide you are ready to close the chapter and start the next one.

  It’s important to recognize that to get to the acceptance stage, you need to go through the other stages. You might feel stuck in one stage longer than another, and sometimes this is our way of holding on to the relationship. Because even if you’re broken up, but you’re still angry at your ex, or you’re still bargaining to get back together, or you’re obsessing over all the details of what went wrong—you’re still in a relationship with the person.

  There is no one size fits all in terms of the amount of time it will take to get over a breakup, although many tend to overestimate that the pain will last much longer than it actually does.2 Clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula suggests that it takes about six weeks after a breakup for many people to start to adjust to life without their ex.3 Another study published in The Journal of Positive Psychology found that people felt better eleven weeks after their breakup.4 Don’t beat yourself up if your timeline is unique. Trust that there is an end to the suffering, even if you can’t imagine it at the time.

  The women who come to Renew are all at various stages. Some are fresh in the throes of loss, having broken up just weeks prior. Some are still in an on-again, off-again relationship that they can’t seem to get out of. Some have been divorced for a few years and are having a hard time moving forward, let alone dating. Some are not dealing with a breakup at all but are frustrated with their romantic lives and want to change their patterns. It’s helpful for all these women to witness one another. While in different stages of the cycle, they are all there for the same reason: they want a chance to create healthy love.

  HEARTBREAK IN THE BRAIN

  Understanding what’s happening in the brain during a breakup is key to getting past it. A roller coaster of emotions after a breakup is natural. The same flood of chemicals that causes you to be blissfully in lust during the beginning stages of love also causes you to suffer when it ends.

  During the first stage of dating, these chemicals are designed to make you and your mate procreate. The exhilaration, the obsessive thoughts of your new beloved, and those butterflies-in-the-stomach feelings are all a result of the motivation system—the mating drive that is a part of the reward system in the brain. We will examine in detail the exact chemicals present during the lust phase in later chapters, but what’s important to note now is that during a breakup, your brain is experiencing those exact same chemical reactions, but in reverse.

  Studies show that recently broken-up singles exhibit activity in the same part of the brain as a drug user fiending for a fix.5 The brain is literally in withdrawal. The part of the brain affected, the ventral segmental area, is associated with motivation, goal-oriented behavior, and the reward system responsible for the release of dopamine. Dopamine is that feel-good chemical that leaves you wanting more of whatever stimu
lus gave you the reward in the first place, whether the stimulus is cocaine, chocolate, or a loving touch from your partner.6 Dopamine cravings give you motivation, encouraging you to act in the way that will get you more of whatever it is you need, and in the case of romance, that need is your beloved. The brain is expecting the reward to come (validation from a partner, return of affection, physical touch); however, after a breakup, the reward either is delayed or doesn’t come at all. Though on a cognitive level you know the relationship is over, the neurons in your brain that are expecting reward do not stop firing, keeping you unconsciously “in love” and addicted to your ex to get your fix.7

  During a relationship, you have thousands of neural circuits in the brain that are devoted to your partner. Psychologist Phillip Shaver argues that during separation, “each [neural circuit] has to be brought up and reconstructed to take into account the person’s absence.”8 I think of this as your brain requiring a major remodel.

  Your brain is used to getting fed doses of dopamine from interactions with your partner. After the loss of that person, your brain doesn’t immediately forget the feel of that dopamine and needs to learn to live without it. This takes time, and when you make contact, look at old texts, or obsess over his social media activity, you are activating those old neural circuits and connections. This only continues your attachment to your ex. In a process called “synaptic pruning,” neural connections not being used are eliminated and the brain can focus on making new ones.9 So, if you stop having contact, through time those neural pathways start to weaken. Hallelujah for the plasticity of the brain!

  EMOTIONAL ADULTING

  A breakup brings up a lot of emotions. You’re not only dealing with the separation and the grief that follow the coupling’s end but also any unresolved, suppressed emotions lingering from the past. So, instead of adding another layer of suppressed or unexplored emotions, we are going to face them, once and for all!